L o v e
a four letter word, but can have a thousand meanings to it

havent written in aggges. cause ive been to lazy.
wellll, nothing much has changed, everythings still pretty much the same D: and i miss you.. i feel so lonely like i really need smeone.. not like a close friend, like someone who can hold me.. driving me crazy.. :( iknow i sound dramatic, but srs thats how i feel. It just sucks when you see all these couples and your alone and you wish you had someone like that. yeh i know someday i will find someone who will love me. but when.

schools a bitch. and lifes so.. incomplete and boring now.

I hate her.
I fucking hate her
she has what was supposed to be mine..
you were suposed to be mine.
you still talk about me even though you got what you wanted

I hope your happy.
I just wansnt good enough right? even though i gave you my heart.
You deserve her, You cant handle anything better than a slut.


I hate you because you I feel so alone
I hate you because I feel empty.
I hate you because you smile at my pain
I hate you because Im in still love you
I hate you because no matter what i do to try make you notice -
you dont care.
I hate you because your a fucking liar.
I hate you because you cant tell me something to my face

PART TWO.

so those weeks were really hard for me,
just everywhere i meant i was reminded of the memories
i was so fragile, everytime i saw a couple id think of us,
and id just break down.

I told everyone im ok, that im over it,
which just ended up causing alot of pain to myself..
cause i bottled it up all inside,
and didnt talk to anyone, eventually i told them it was a lie
i was dying inside. and i felt incomplete, like a part of me was missing.
and id still get the same response from everyone
its going to be alright, no its not.

and im even like that now,
im happy.. i guess, but everytime i think of him
i think of us being together, and id always have to remind myself,
Its not like that anymore.
When i found out he dleetd me off fb blocked me on msn,
I didnt believe it, I said to myself he wouldnt leave you like this
dont believe what you see and hear.

but eventually.. i realised they were right.
and i dont know even know why.. and im still wondering.
why did it happen to me, what did i do wrong..
was it something i said or something I never did..
how could he do this to me.

now i realised that we were not meant to be togehter..
but i still love him, i still dream and think about him..
im still scared to go out and see him somewhere..
you dont know how much it hurts
watching someone you love
love someone else
the feelings never were returned..
all you heard was a lie.

PART 1

I was a 13 when I first fell in love,
I know people say you cant love or know what it is a such a yooung age,
but I had never felt this way about a guy before,
and i mean never..

so i met this guy named liam,
I met him when i was living in america.
he was from china. at first we were enemies,
litterally. i always denied liking him, but inside i knew that i did..
id only known him for a year, and I didnt know him that well, but i knew a few things,
and id never felt this way about anyone.. that was the first time i ever loved someone.
so at the end of the year we started going out.y
but we werent like the couple who hollds hands and hugs both of us were to shy .


anyway, so one day he had to move away, back to china.
but i wasnt really sad, and we didnt break up.. i guess we didtn know how..
so i lost contact with him, for 6 months and you know you think someone doesnt feel the same anymore so you move on right?
so i started dating this otehr guy named daniel.
he was a really good guy, but not the one for me.. cause liam always had a place in my heart
and i couldnt replace him with someone.. so i broke up with daniel.
and then a few months later i dated another guy, and it ended up the same.

So i moved to Australia,
and me and liam got in contact again..
he was my boyfriend still,
I didnt know if he had a girlfriend earlier.. so i didnt tell him about my boyfriends,
cause he never asked, so neither did i.

anyway a few months later he was coming back here to visit. i was soo excited, so excited that it took me hours to get ready cause i had to look perfect..
so we had planed to meet outside of coles at the mall.. :L lol dont ask its just our thing.. or used to be atleast. i didnt have my phone with me at the time so i didnt realise how long ive been sittign there, i just paniked everytime i saw someone that looked like him, annd then he finnally came,
god i looked like such an idiot.. he asked me how long id been sitting there for and all i said was
oh! hi and just hugged him for 10 mintues.. didnt even answer the question. and i didnt realise till later and i was yelling at myself in my head. so we started walkign towards the movies and then he stopped and gave me hes jacket and put hes hand out (first time he ever did that)
i couldnt even put into words how happy i was.. that was the first time i saw him in months,
so it was really awkward, nothing to talk about,
so i tried to start a converstation.. and i said omg your tall . again i looked like an idiot.
he didnt say anything.

but i didnt care that it was silent i just loved the feeling of him holding my hand.
so we got to the movies and sat down, he was alot ttaller than me cause im short. but i mean hes really talllll.. almost 6 feet lol. anyways yeah we sat down and hed put hes hand around me and i put my head on hes chest and i had so much butterflies in my stomach that it was making me go crazy so i told him ifelt sick, and he asked is there anything i can do? and i just didnt say anything :L so he bought me some water..

then he said we should walk around,
and then we ended up walking around for hours and hours .. LOL
wed randomly walk adn sit then walk again..
so we started watching the movie, and hes cousin called during the movie,
and he was yelling at her lol. and the whole time through the whole movie, he was just holding me, and i wish i could just stay like that forever.
later he had to leave and he said goodbye twice :L and he let me keep hes jacket..
so i took it home and i walked home cause i didnt want my mum to see my like this
cause i ws so happy and shed be all anoying about it. so i went to sleep that night, with hes jacket on ( i must sound liek an idiot but yeh)
I swear everything felt like a dream.. so i woke up and i didtn have hes jacket on so i
was gonan liek cry cause i thought id had another dream.. and none of it happend,
but then i saw hes jacket on my bed so i realxed.

I was going to see him that day
so it took me ages to get ready again,
i was waiting at the same place, without my phone again cause i left it in sydney which was
a big mistake, thsi time i noticed id been sitting for a very long time. so i was beggining to think he stood me up, but he actaully sent me a txt saying to meet later.
anyways so i started to cry.. lol just a bit though and i went outside then came back in,
i saw hes cousin cause liam told them to come and get me. so liam sitll wasnt here and i was just sitting with hes cousin and her friend. and then i saw him and i stayed in the same place like an idiot for 5 minutes cause i was scared :L anyway eventually igot up cause he was waiting for me too and i hugged him like i usually did.. so we went to the city with hes cousin which really pissed me off cause i wanted to be alone with him.. but its ok cause we walked behind them and sat
with eachother. oh and when i saw him i couuldnt decicde to where hes jacket or not
and once again i looked so frekin stupid and wore it but he told me it looked good on me..
but it was past my ass it looked weird.. :L


anyway i spent the whole day with him.
and went back to sydney.
the next weekend came and i was ghoing to canberra to see him again,
once again i was excited. on the way to canbera i came on a bus,
and i thought to myself that i wanted to say I love you before he left,
but i didt know wwhen it was the right time to say it, or if id look like an idiot again.

once again liam was late. siggh. he alawys told me to meet him at this time blahh blahh so i decided to come an hour lateer and he came an hour later too apologising again for being late >:( i ignored him for liek 10 mins but i couldnt be mad at him.
and this was my last weekend with him and i wouldnt see him for a while.
while we were walkking around he said he could see hes dad and then told me to hide somewhere :L so we did,
and then i saw my mUM oh my god.. the worst. she was screaming my name out and i ws sooo emberassed so i told liam to go ahead and that ill catch up later and then eventually i went back to him and he was laughing at me cause i was pised off. and thenn AGIAN i saw my mum and then he told me that he saw them so i started walking fast.
we were waiting at the bus stop and idk why everytime we were there therd always be retarded people their and i mean litterally retarded.
so we were on the way to the city again on the bus.
and i kept telling myself say it say it.
but i didnt, and suddenly hed asked what i was thinking and i said i dont know :L
cause i didnt want to tell him cause itd be weird so i aksed him what he was thinking
and he said that he was thinking about him leaving.. and i didnt say anything
that day we were meant to go paddle boating but we missed the stop for that.
so we just went to the mall instead, wed just randomly hug all the time, for like 20 minutes..
and eventually we were on our way back, and id decided to say i love you.
first i said liam and he didtn say anything so i got embarrsed annd didnt say anything
so 5 mins later i just said i love you . and he said i love you too and then said something after that i didnt hear properly so i didnt say anything. hed ask what i was thinking alot and i always said nothing, i made such an idiot of myself all the time. i didnt eat at all when i was with him cause i thought id look weird or something so i was starving when i went home.

after we got back he offered to walk me home, and i said ok
so we started walking and then some car was swearing at me lol idk why.
and then liam gave him the finger so the car stopped and liam told me to stay where i waas
and he walked up to the guy and idk what they were saying,
but i felt like he really cared..
so we started wallking again and my legs were really hurting so i stopped
and then he gave me a piggy back and i looked down hes shirt. (i couldnt help it i could already see down it anyways ) :P

that was the last day i ever saw him.
and hed said goobdye and he said i love you so much..
and hearing those words .. omg.
so i said it back and then said goodbye
i watched him walk away.. and i wanted to go after him and tell him not
to go..

anyways a few months later
i hadnt talked to him.. and hed go online rarely.

this is where it all started.
there was a girl named sandra,
and i knew shed liked liam and id always thought what if they end up together?
but josie told me not to worry, i should trust him .
so i didnt worry cause I thought he loved me..
i thought about him everysingle day, and i kept hes jacket close to me
alot.

so one day i was on facebook it was one day before my birthday
and i notcied liam wanst my friend on facebook
i was calm and i thought maybe he dleted hes facebook
so i went to visit hes page to see if it was still there..
and i wasnt, he dletd josie, my sister and others..
and then i went on someone elses acccoutn and say
in a realtionp with sandra.
i thought maybe she hacked hes account..
but i was wrong,
i couldnt stop crying, and i called josie
and i coudlnt even explain to her what happend cause i was just crying
the whole time.

well from this whole experiance I've leanred one thing;
The truth hurts, but the lie it kills, and it kills more if you dont
even know if the whole thing was a lie or how long it was going on for..
and i KNOW that i love you.. but i wish i didnt in any kind of way..
i wish i could hate you.. wish i could just erase you from my memory just like you did to me,
acting as if you never knew me - and the fact that kills me out of all of them is that you feel no guilt,
theres a smile on your face, I want you to feel a little of my pain, both of you.

this big regret that Im just carryign around with me everyday,
but at the end of the day i manage to laugh and put a smile on my face,
despite everything you've done.
maybe this whole thing was nothing to you..
but it once meant everything to me.
I felt like there was nothing that could pull as apart..
it just wanst possiable. and I didnt even think it out and i hate myself for it
never thought of the 'ifs'
I didnt think it was necessary, cause I thought i knew you..
but I was very wrong

Yeah ive had my regrets, but ive always been able to let them go,
they were just stupid little mistakes,
that didnt really affect me..

cause when i think of you;
my heart it beats fast,
it feels that im still with you, only thinking of happy memories between us,
because i just cant bring myself to realising,
that you no longer care for me,
Im nothing to you,
you have someone else now..





even though your gone and far away,
i feel you next to me,
I think about it every single day, you got away somehow.

I cant sleep, its hard to breathe,
and i still feel you nxt to me,
now I can see..

The first one is the worst one when it comes to a broken heart,
your first love yeah your so young, and you feel like a
falling star..

if your reading this and you know who you are, you got what like three chances?
and you mentioned that you dont want people to know that shes insecure.. that'll make her look bad? wtf is that.
you didnt come right out and say that but you made it clear thats what you meant. well if you know her.. well actually any girl.. what do you think their gonna say to that. how would you feel
if she said yeh im just gonna go see my ex tmrw thats ok? you might think you'll whatever to it but think about it, you wouldnt be ok with it. Who do you think you are?
I thought that this time you'd treat her diffrently, you should know doing this would hurt her deeply and she has every right to be upset - i know i would be too.
cause ive been through what she has been throuugh and its not easy, and on top of that this happening is just worse for her, you should think about your actions.. we're all insecure every now and then, you know you would be too. your just to proud to admit it, i know i dont know you well,

but she does.. and she talks about you alot, and I can tell shes really in love with you,
youve already lost her alot of times.. how could you be so careless?
you may think this is a little thing but its not,
you may think shes overeacting about it but she is not.

you keep saying that everythings your fault,
she didnt say it was your fault, she knows your not perfect and she doesnt expect you to be.
but dont go on acting like this..

hope you work things out josie babe. :)

havent blogged only for like a couple of days
but asian josiephine made me blog so she can read something .
anyway, today was alright, morning i felt like something wasnt the same . . idk what but yeh.
but then later on after sitting with josie and faten and attempting to do cartweels but failed was funny :L
and josie juust running around and laughing at nothing being her lost asian self.:L
but obviously i win with the cartweel :D
did my geo yearly today, and the teacher is so dumb she put us outside and we all copied off eachother LOL! so think im passin this one (y) yayay.

now im just sitting here waiting for my KFC , omg im such a fat shit D:
well was watching the news and cause new moon is coming out on thursday people are already camping out
to see a fucking movie? and some chick was sitting there posing with an edward crown? OMG :L srsly wtf is
the world coming to these days? thats just soo scary on SOO many diffrent levels. god its just a movie people,
i swear its like their fighting for food cause their staving.. :L and if your reading this and your obsesed.
then your saaad.

so on the weekend i went to buy some eye contacts and im getting 6 pairs.. in blue i think ?
gonna give one to josiee cause shes gay :D
nd yeh thats pretty much all i have to sayy.

xx